@seanmcnichol nah, I don’t carry weapons that I’m not trained to use… also, I’m not familiar enough with the knife laws… yet.
There are a lot of lawyers in the cigar at Whiskey; the conversation alone is worth the price of membership.
whiskeydurham The Club Room will be closed until 8pm this evening, at which time the Inaugural Club Room Cigar Club mtg will begin. Seating is limited.
A great way to get the FBI to start building a file on you is to request their file on you. http://t.co/itS0G5Yv
ncpolicelogs Gary Banning, 43, of Havelock, accidentally drank from a jar of gasoline and then smoked a cigarette. http://t.co/sS2m05KN
@jefft don’t you use gmail’s web interface?
I have a feeling I’m the last person left who only reads emails in plain text format.
DEVOPS_BORAT If you have Big Data process is involve grep, you are do it wrong.
The correct answer if asked “what is your greatest weakness” in a job interview is to walk out without looking back.
@thegourmez quite confusing for my GPS. “You’re driving through a forest OMGWTFBBQ!”
Apparently @ncquickpass is so eager to charge people for using the new Triangle Expressway that they sent me a bill for $0.00. ಠ_à²
@hoorayimhelping Nice potato.
@pmccall777 @jeremy_degroot @ameir They don’t; stop making cross-universe comparisons!
@Jeremy_DeGroot @ameir Compared to an Enterprise class ship. Also, ships in Star Wars most definitely have shields. http://t.co/RUsR6F28
@ameir The Bird of Prey is a junk heap - the only thing it has going for it is cloaking.
Bruce_Schneier U.S. Federal Court Rules that it is Unconstitutional for the Police to Force Someone to Decrypt their Laptop http://t.co/RB54MsiL
whiskeydurham 2/29 Inaugural Cigar Club Mtg in the Club Room. Open to Members and Guests Starts at 8 - http://t.co/sFme5A5q
lesliejenna I have seen it all: Chick from high school checked in at the hospital as she’s getting ready to give birth.
juliussharpe I wish someone I hate and disrespect would ask me to be brutally honest with them.
If you love Eastbound & Down, you have to see Your Highness.
julien “A system cannot understand itself.” - W Edwards Deming
I’m disappointed that Triangle Brewing company adds 1 habanero per 100 gallons in its Habanero Pale Ale. I used 6 in my last batch of chili.
If you enjoy watching “House,” you’ll want to see “Sherlock.”
@flyosity reminds me of http://t.co/Bq34DwJD
ncpolicelogs A Fayetteville man has been charged with embezzling meatballs and anchovy dip. http://t.co/xsSVeyWf
Today in the “no shit” department: giving the government “Big Brother” powers does not make citizens safer. http://t.co/S68zTHat
Santorum: “I would not cut the defense budget, I’d cut food stamps.” Because fuck poor people in EVERY country!
ryaninco If you Tweet something that I find offensive and makes me cringe… I’m gonna star it and follow ya
I bet the Twitterbaters who followed me solely due to my connections with email marketers are pretty fucking disappointed with that decision
It’s time to start getting ready for mankini season!
thebestmonkey The world has become so PC, I worry that when I say “fucktard,” someone is going to tell me, “Don’t use that word. My cousin’s a fucktard.”
Get it right, rappers: a true gangster honors his elders, protects women & children, & respects the innocent. Otherwise, you’re just a thug.
Program or be programmed. http://t.co/QOFDrWPJ
Things Rick Santorum wants to make illegal: birth control, porn, gay sex, pre-marital sex, non-missionary sex. http://t.co/OwgG77nA
@jefft I thought you said there was a game on tonight
johnjoseph Manhattan has the highest % of single people in US except for an island in Hawaii originally settled as a leper colony http://t.co/wFAdGEEq
Vistaprint is by far the most egregious offender in the “upsell / cross-sell / product recommendation during the checkout process” category.
@michaelbrooks But is there even a resale market for cats? Seems like you can’t even give them away…
DEVOPS_BORAT In startup after too much Nagios critical alert we are always perform 5 Why. Each of time we are find interesting way of destroy pager!
Why did the chicken commit suicide by walking into the road? To get to the other side.
They say you can become an expert in any field with 10,000 hours of practice. I think I just might have the dedication to become a sexpert.
ericboggs Been at 208 Rigsbee for 3 months. Today was the 1st time a homeless person wandered into the office. Surprised it took so long. #dirtydurham
@whosthedoss That’s for the reanimation experiment. Don’t let it thaw.
I use it so often that I really need to set a hotkey to print out the look of disapproval. ಠ_à²
@abbydactyl nice one
“La Horde” is the most realistic zombie movie I’ve ever seen.
@pmccall777 NEVER TELL ME THE ODDS!
Invest in land and fossil fuels; they aren’t making any more of them. Invest in yourself - they aren’t making any more of those either.
I have examined all the women in my area on @okcupid and found them to be lacking. Time to take this shit multi-channel.
Got accepted into Mensa yesterday. Currently taking bets on who will be weirded out more at the meetings: me or them.
@jdchmiel where are the docs? I call shenanigans!
The simplest way to stay abreast of emerging technology is to watch what the porn industry is doing.
DEVOPS_BORAT In startup we have first fireable offense is dependency injection.
ncpolicelogs BREAKING: Sgt. Jason Brandon Hoyle of the Raleigh Police Dept has been charged with promoting prostitution of a minor. http://t.co/EsxLAJ6I
@flyosity due to unconditional love?
Freedom is not the right to do as you please, but the liberty to do as you ought.
There’s nothing wrong with being elitist so long as you’re actually 1337. For example, you should not be elitist about driving a Honda.
@dapak Columbian is still the best, though.
“Despite technological innovation, the unquantifiable human element is still the greatest influence in whiskey production.”
@knucklesandwich music is the least of your problems
@ameir I can’t complain about that issue because I wear them myself on my motorcycle for longer trips - all other time I wear ear plugs.
If you drive a 20-yr-old car & listen to music via earbuds, you’re frugal. If you drive a new Lexus & listen via earbuds, you’re an idiot.
My problem with Krav Maga is that I’m not hardcore enough to go more than once a week. Yet.
My favorite hospital irony is the constant horde of people outside smoking.
I wonder if anyone ever started a company because they read an article saying that it was a good time to start a company.
Vampires are real. They’re the people who suck up your time with useless drivel, thus draining you of life that you’ll never get back.
I’m really regretting following @OKCupid today.
RT @VeryShortStory: Alex bought Sharon a ring for Valentine’s day, which she sold to buy the gun, that stopped him from loving her.
“I do not fear death. I was dead for billions of years before I was born & did not suffer the slightest inconvenience from it.” - Mark Twain
@hoorayimhelping @dapak you guys heard about Whitney Houston too?
@drewpotential I myself am crocking a bison stew as we speak
@mikestable I had that happen once with live shrimp
Listen to these people and your life will improve: @julien @neiltyson @rands @Oatmeal @thesulk @Bitterjojo @thebestmonkey
Never refrain from speaking your mind due to fear of offending the recipient. But, as a recipient, never take anything personally.
@knucklesandwich test takes 18 years to complete; blocking on my social connections would cause timeouts.
@knucklesandwich true dat
ncpolicelogs A Burlington Church worships too loudly, “sound like they’re getting their arms ripped off.” http://t.co/bnrAd0hL
@knucklesandwich what did YOUR parents do with you? Mine would talk to me about the things we saw & play interactive stimulating games.
Your kids should not be staring at a screen while you drive them around. They need to look out the damn window and learn about the world.
@seanmcnichol amica; I just have the minimum liability… it’s something like $10 a month. The trick is not to have a lien on the bike.
Zip ties are underrated.
dcm I’m not sure @espn will ever understand that having Dickie V call a UNC / Duke game is like having Coach K call it to UNC fans
I won a free Papa John’s pizza via their Super Bowl coin toss promotion… but the email with my coupon went to my spam folder. Fail.
@mark_a_phelps indeed, it would have been a much more interesting story if it had occurred in public
@mark_a_phelps yeah, but it turns out that most people are pussies
Got punched in the face for the first time in my life. http://t.co/JutoNpgA
GoogleCowboy Tucker Max’s Rejected Twitter Campaign #tuckermax http://t.co/pYFEs7xM
julien How to Change Your Life: An Epic, 5,000-Word Guide to Getting What You Want http://t.co/g3dT8he2
People who have garages: if you park your car INSIDE the garage instead of using it to store junk, it won’t be iced over on cold mornings!
@seanmcnichol TROLOL you should try pirating books some time
@gaggingtowards Can’t argue with that logic. After all, that’s how grammar is born.
@gaggingtowards some dude *who* has a neck tattoo
@covati somebody needs to whip out a fucking dictionary and they’d know that the email merely called the recipients female dogs.
I found a condom in my locker at the YMCA today. Damn, I really need to find THAT exercise room.
thesulk God, if guys had hot tits and vaginas I’d be so gay.
Snagged second row tickets to Kevin James at @dpac - who wants to be my friend?
“Nice guys finish dead.” Insights into street robberies and the lives of hold-up men told by a robbery investigator. http://t.co/hJ4DdVzP
@jdchmiel because you only advertise things that don’t sell themselves.
Mashups are here to stay. The Superbowl has given them validity.
RT @Bitterjojo: Today is the Super Bowl of having to read shitty Super Bowl tweets.
Nagios, I wish I knew how to quit you.
You know you have a problem when you find yourself taking the racing line while walking along a curvy sidewalk.
We are here to drink beer. We are here to laugh at the odds. We are here to live our lives so well that death will tremble to take us.
ncpolicelogs Hope Mills officers tased a woman who blocked a McDonalds drive-thru for 20 minutes after cutting in line. http://t.co/q739a5th
@whosthedoss wat
The Mensa entrance exam was easier than the practice exam on their web site.
Never tell me the odds. Probability is for people who are willing to accept failure as an option.
RT @Bitterjojo: I’m one day closer to reaching my goal of dying alone!
After coming in 2nd place a few years ago, today I have reclaimed the championship for both singles & doubles foosball at @bronto
Bronto Coming soon to Bronto [PIC] a.bron.to/bJ Wonder what it’s all about? a.bron.to/bN
If you enjoyed World War Z, you’ll want to keep an eye out for http://t.co/fZcPdna9
Read “Man’s Search for Meaning.” http://t.co/KR7vsctj
@mark_a_phelps hey jackass, play “codex”
Just bought front row tickets for Daniel Tosh at @dpac
@seanmcnichol The possibilities are endless. It took me 4 hours to decide on 5.56 over .308. But I have a friend who might sell me one cheap
Can’t wait to get my AR-15… I mean, my tax refund.
Don’t try to time the market. Be fearful when others are greedy and greedy when others are fearful. http://t.co/ejHYxbr2
My biggest problem with “The Walking Dead” is that all of the lawns & green areas are still well-manicured post-zombie apocalypse.
Separating your friends from your acquaintances is like separating wheat from chaff. Keep pounding until only the finest of quality remains.
@drewpotential Yeah… but it’s still a Hyundai.
carpedurham Durham’s potential wing truck @fullstreetwings is doing a kickstarter http://t.co/XUGSTJPB
Pick a handful of areas in which to become a connoisseur. After a few years you’ll finally know how to spell connoisseur correctly.